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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25798201">Things That Matter, Things That Don't</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhyWhyNot/pseuds/WhyWhyNot'>WhyWhyNot</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Unrelated Worm One Shots [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Parahumans Series - Wildbow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Study, Child Neglect, F/M, Gen, POV Second Person, Unreliable Narrator</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 10:00:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,099</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25798201</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhyWhyNot/pseuds/WhyWhyNot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A character study of Colin Wallis, from childhood to becoming Defiant.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Unrelated Worm One Shots [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1871626</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Things That Matter, Things That Don't</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gerbilfriend/gifts">Gerbilfriend</a>.</li>



    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You love your parents, you think, in a cold, distant way.</p><p>You love them because you’re supposed to. Because they pay for the roof over your head, for the food you eat, for the clothes you wear. You love them as well as you can love strangers.</p><p>They're never there. They’re working.</p><p>(Work matters.)</p><p>(Work matters more than you do.)</p><p>They divorce.</p><p>Nothing changes.</p><p>(Sometimes, you can’t remember which one is supposed to have custody of you.)</p><p>You grow up on leftovers you reheat yourself, on birthday gifts opened alone, on grocery money left on countertops.</p><p>You raise yourself in a empty house.</p><p>(You look up <em>home</em> in the dictionary, but you still don’t understand what it means.)</p><p> </p><p>You don’t really like school, you think, but you’re good at it. </p><p>You never skip, even though you’re not sure your parents would even notice. You always pay attention to the teacher, always turn your homework in on time, always do the extra credits.</p><p>You don’t let yourself get anything but As.</p><p>(Work matters.)</p><p>(If you work hard enough, so will you.)</p><p>You try your best. </p><p>It’s not enough. </p><p>(You keep going anyway, because you may not be good enough <em>now</em>, but you <em>will be</em>.)</p><p>The teachers compliment your drive, your grades, your maturity and independence. They say you will go far.</p><p>You learn to be proud of it.</p><p>(It’s not enough, but then, you don’t know what would be.)</p><p> </p><p>You don’t like people, you think, but you make do. </p><p>You don’t understand the unwritten codes, the ones everybody knows instinctively. You put your foot in your mouth, you’re too blunt, you have no patience for small talk and pleasantries. </p><p>You feel like a stranger in the crowd. </p><p>(Those things matter.) </p><p>(You have to learn them if you want to.) </p><p>You learn. </p><p>It’s hard. </p><p>(Sometimes, you stay awake at night wondering what is wrong with you.) </p><p>You learn the unwritten rules, the pleasantries, the small talk. You learn to understand expressions and tones like a second language. </p><p>You never stops having to think about it. </p><p>(You do your best, but you never quite figure out how to be kind.) </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>You like being a hero, you think, in a visceral, guilty way.</p><p>You like it because you’re supposed to. Because you get to help people, to fight evil, to make the world a better place. You like it because people know your name.</p><p>You chose it for yourself.</p><p>(Heroes matter.)</p><p>(If you are one, so do you.)</p><p>Hero trains you.</p><p>Hero dies.</p><p>(You still have Hannah, and you still have Michael. They’re not quite friends, but they’re the closest you ever had.)</p><p>The complex game of small talk and handshakes bothers you even more since you got powers, the waste of time and effort like splinters under your skin, but as you rise through the Protectorate it becomes more and more important.</p><p>You don’t like the game, but you play it.</p><p>(You’ve worked too hard to settle where you are.)</p><p> </p><p>You love your team, you think, in a quiet, detached way.</p><p>You love them because you’re supposed to. Because you’re ready to die for them, and them for you, and you might actually have to in the end. You love them because you’ve fought side by side for years.</p><p>You care for each other, but you don’t know how to be close.</p><p>(The work matters.)</p><p>(The work matters more than you do.)</p><p>They care.</p><p>It’s not enough.</p><p>(There’s something hungry inside you, something <em>starving</em> you you don’t know how to feed.)</p><p>You didn’t have a lot to start with, and Brockton Bay is falling apart, and so are the people supposed to protect it, and you give away part of yourself trying to keep it together. Dauntless is bright, and <em>kind</em>, easily getting better with each passing day.</p><p>You think you might hate him for it.</p><p>(You try to hide it, and know you failed.)</p><p> </p><p>You love Dragon, you think, in a way you’re not quite sure what to do with.</p><p>You love her because she’s kind. Because she’s smart, and good, and doesn’t ask you to talk to say nothing. You love her because of a thousand little things you can’t quite name.</p><p>You don’t know why you love her, but you do.</p><p>(Dragon matters.)</p><p>(Dragon matters more than you do.)</p><p>You love her.</p><p>She doesn’t.</p><p>(It’s all right. She doesn’t owe you anything, and her love least of all.)</p><p>You stand in front of her without your mask and she calls you by your name, the one you didn’t choose, the one you gave in trust, and she doesn’t give you hers.</p><p>She doesn’t owe it to you.</p><p>(It still creates a wall you don’t know how to breach.)</p><p> </p><p>You hate Skitter, you think, with a mix of anger and despair.</p><p>You hate her because she fooled you. Because she’s rising as you fall, because she’s rising <em>from</em> your fall, because you’re desperate and you don’t know what to do. You hate her because she destroyed you.</p><p>You don’t think she meant to, and you hate her all the more for it.</p><p>(Work matters.)</p><p>(You are nothing without it.)</p><p>She rises.</p><p>You fall.</p><p>(You’re not kind, but she was scared when you met her, and so you tried to be.)</p><p>You wanted the glory from Lung, of course you did, but you wanted it for your work, on your own merit. You asked for it to keep her safe. You did not build yourself on lies.</p><p>You lose the work of fifteen years in a matter of days.</p><p>(You make your worst mistakes as your life falls apart around you.)</p><p> </p><p>You like being Defiant, you think, more than you liked being Armsmaster. </p><p>You like it because it’s a second chance. Because you like designing your own body, because it allows you to play your strengths, because you have a whole new way opened before you. You like it because you’re in love.</p><p>You know you don’t deserve it, but you seize the chance anyway.</p><p>(Dragon matters.)</p><p>(For her, at least, so do you.)</p><p>Mannequin came.</p><p>You spat in his face.</p><p>(You hate him, but you’re glad. You’re not sure Dragon would have told you the truth if you hadn’t almost died.)</p><p>Mannequin was a wake up call, a twisted mirror, the realization of what you became. You look back, but you can’t quite tell when your name became more important than your work.</p><p>You can’t right the wrongs you did.</p><p>(You can try to help Dragon, to make the world a better place.)</p><p>You trust her to lead you right.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I realized after writing this that Hero having mentored Armsmaster is fanon, but since it works timeline-wise I'm leaving it there.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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